If someone told you they had “a pretty lousy Christmas,” what would you think? That Santa missed their house? That their whole family got the flu? That Grandpa got stuck in a blizzard and wasn’t able to make it in time to carve the turkey? While family dysfunction on Christmas is a timeworn theme, it’s taken to a new level in this funniest Christmas song.
The chorus goes: “Santa Claus don’t come to our house anymore/Don’t care if we’re naughty or nice/We’re the one who gave Santa Claus and all his reindeer lice.”
Move over, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.” Two bluegrass-playing brothers have introduced another hilarious twangy parody Christmas song about their unfortunate, lousy encounter with Santa Claus. It’s bound to get stuck in your head and leave you laughing, smiling, and asking for more.
These two guys–who bill themselves as Lardo and Burley Moron- aren’t really brothers, although on their website, the claim to be closer than brothers, since they’ve been playing together for many years. They were both raised in small towns in Kentucky and grew up on a steady diet of country music. According to Lardo’s website, “While other kids were crazy about the Rolling Stones, Elvis and rock and roll, my interest seemed to be deep rooted in country and bluegrass music, with heroes such as Merle Travis, Flat & Scruggs, Osborne Brothers, JD Crowe and Hank Williams.”
Given those influences, Burley plays the guitar and Lardo plays the banjo, and dressed in overalls and trucker hats, they travel around the country playing their peculiar act of bluegress-meets-comedy. The two brothers won’t hesitate to tell you that they believe in the “reason for the season,” which is why their act is especially refreshing. They’re not afraid to mix humor with their faith.
They’ve been playing together for many years, and it shows. Their skill with instruments is impressive and their voices, although twangy and slang-inflected, can carry a strong tune. They’re not just comedians and they’re not just musicians; they do both equally well. And they’ve just introduced an infectiously catchy song with a dose of skewed humor.
The son starts out with one brother speaking to the other: “I remember one Christmas it wasn’t too good it was pretty lousy.” It’s hard to believe what strange directions the brothers will go in next.
A few years ago on Christmas Eve Santa was at our house/He must have been tired because he laid down for a minute on our couch/He jumped up in a hurry, checked on all his reindeer/Flew off to the darkness they were scratching ear to ear/They’s late getting back to the North Pole/It took three or four days/They scratched their itch so doggone much/They almost lost their way.”
The last verse sums up why Santa doesn’t come visit the brothers anymore. Under the circumstances, we can’t blame him.
“We wrote Santa Claus a letter/ He called us on the phone/He said he’d drop our presents in our yard/But he wouldn’t come in our home/So every year on Christmas Eve out in the snow and ice/He drops our presents in the yard/’Cause he don’t want to catch no lice.”
After hearing the whole song, it’s easy to see why they called this “a lousy Christmas.” It gives the term a whole new meaning, and might find you feeling a little itchy.
It winds up: “Now you’ve heard our Christmas story/I told you it was sad/I know it’s about to kill you so go on and scratch your head.” Listen below: