Beer Run? You Mean Like Granma?

Granma is going the distance. And she’s got a beer in her hand.

On December 1st, Texans running the annual FloTrack Beer Mile World Championship in Austin LOST IT as they saw a petite Texan grandmother not on the side line, not holding refreshments, not wandering aimlessly confused about pretty shapes and how she left her glasses on her nose, but crossing the finish line and slammin’ a beer like a BOSS.

Source: Runner's World

Source: Runner’s World

When you think Granma, you think knitting, right? Doilies, cardigans, warms arms that smell of peppermint, perhaps even bifocals of an age before trendy irony was even a wink in a knowing eye. Well, think again. To paraphrase Oscar winner Halle Berry, a door has been opened, and on the other side is 81 year old Elvira “Vera” Montes who boasted she could have run faster if she’d been drinking scotch.

Source: FiveThirtyEight.com

Source: FiveThirtyEight.com

You think she’s cool now? Listen to what she – and all of the contestants! – had to do to finish the race:

  1. Pound that first beer.
  2. Run a quarter mile.
  3. Pound that second beer.
  4. Rinse, repeat, for a WHOLE MILE. Yeah, four beers poppin’, no time for stoppin’!
Source: Runner's World

Source: Runner’s World

Did Vera make the fastest time? No, she’s a grandmother, fool. But she did pull a complete upset and leave her 47 year old daughter in the dust. Yeah. You bet your sweet Denny’s dinner she did. Her son-in-law didn’t even finish!

Are you sitting down, possibly on a rocking chair? Good because get ready: THIS IS HER SECOND TIME! That’s right, Vera has double fisted this race, competing and completing in not just 2015 but also, 2014.

Like a true champ, there was no bragging involved. Despite her 20 minute beer mile – very respectable considering she was born pre-Penecillin – she simply told Runner’s World, “I don’t have any secrets, I just wanted to prove to my daughter that I could run and drink beer.”

If that doesn’t warm your heart up, I don’t know what will. Other than a beer. Or possibly, a scotch.