Russian President Vladimir Putin has assured Donald Trump a potential backup plan in the event he loses either the Republican nomination or general election for presidency. Should the GOP frontrunner come up short in his pursuit of the highest office in the United States, Trump is reportedly in line to become Putin’s Prime Minister—which is essentially Russia’s version of a Vice President and the second most powerful position in the land.
“Russia could always use another manly man, regardless of how big his hands are,” Putin told a group of reporters who weren’t remotely surprised by the announcement. “Trump’s misogynistic and racist tendencies indicate that he may be too regressive for American politics, which makes him an ideal option for Russia.”
When asked if he could envision Trump eventually replacing him as President, Putin applied some brakes.
“Look, I like the guy’s style, but I’m not crazy,” the former KGB agent replied. “Any country putting him in control of a nuclear arsenal runs a very real risk of destroying the entire planet. Fortunately, I’m literally invincible, immune to all disease and refuse to ever retire—so Russia will forever be in good hands. Remember when I did that all that shirtless stuff with a horse?”
After reminding media of his virility and possible immortality, Putin reassured those present that Trump could still be a valuable addition to the team.
“The upside is that Mr. Trump will make me seem entirely reasonable by comparison,” Putin bluntly explained. “In the unlikely event my popularity ever takes a dive, I will simply remind the Russian public that things could be much worse. If I want to do or say something terrifyingly despotic, I’ll just have The Donald open his mouth, and people will thank their lucky stars I’m still in power. It’s a pretty dope plan if I do say so myself.”
Busy on the campaign trail, Mr. Trump couldn’t be reached for comment.
But current and former Republican rivals were eager to chime in. Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush suspended his presidential campaign in February, but he established himself early in the nomination process as Trump’s most vocal critic.
“Donald Trump is a bully and blowhard,” he complained on the heels of the latest news. “It’s no surprise he’d jump at an opportunity to join forces with one of our chief geopolitical rivals. He doesn’t want to make America great again. He just wants to sit at the cool kids’ table—whether that’s here or in the former Soviet Union.”
The more Mr. Bush spoke about the situation, the angrier he got—eventually threatening to not vote himself for the first time ever if Trump is the GOP nominee.
“I was a governor of an actual state, and I spent 130 million campaigning for all of five votes,” Bush exclaimed in his most passionate performance of the election season. “And what happens? Some f—ing reality television star with stupid hair rallies millions of people around his promise to build a huge f—ing wall. Is everyone on drugs?”
Florida Senator Marco Rubio remains in the race and recently made some waves by challenging the size of Mr. Trump’s hands [not satire].
He was more measured in his response to Trump’s potential defection to Russia.
“Welp, we all saw this coming,” he remarked. “He’s a fascist, and he’d fit right in. Also, have you seen this guy’s tiny hands?”
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Hillary Clinton’s campaign laughed uncontrollably before adding, “I guess Trump is going to Russia, then. He may beat the other Republicans, but he doesn’t have a chance against us in the general election. But hey, it’s pretty ironic that he’ll technically be an immigrant—am I right?”
As word reached ordinary Russians, early reaction was decidedly pessimistic.
“The Americans are starting a new Cold War,” one extremely depressed man said between gulps of vodka. “Just nuke us and get it over with. There’s nothing worse than a slow death at the hands of this Donald Trump character.”
Another citizen worried that she’d be unable to escape the country.
“This isn’t going to end well,” she said quivering with fear. “I think he’s going to build an enormous wall around Russia—but not to keep immigrants out. He’s going to prevent everyone from leaving, and believe me, we’ll all want to leave.”
In a bid to reassure his frightened public, President Putin issued another statement just hours after making his initial announcement.
While Russians were largely horrified as the prospect of importing Mr. Trump, the candidate’s legions of American supporters were upset for a different reason.
“He might leave the U.S. of A.?” one Trump voter asked in tears. “But, but that just ain’t fair. He is the only one who can save us from Mexicans, Muslims, and all that darned political correctness. Who else is gonna’ make fun of disabled reporters?”
Of course, Trump’s overseas adventure isn’t official just yet. Thanks to an alarmingly widespread bout of collective psychosis, there’s still a remarkable segment of the American public that fiercely supports him. In an instance when truth has truly become stranger than fiction, there’s technically a non-zero chance that the man becomes President of the most powerful nation in the world.
If not, he apparently has a friend in Vladimir Putin.