Florida Man Fights for Right to Marry Macbook Computer

Source: eldiario.com

In May, 2014, Chris Sevier—who described himself as a “former judge advocate and combat veteran”—decided to surprise us all with the courageous stand he made in an attempt to marry the, err, “one” he loves.

The Florida man apparently fell in love with his porn-filled Apple Macbook and decided to get hitched to it.

The only problem was that man-to-object marriage wasn’t yet legalized, and it still isn’t, so clearly after countless attempts to legalize man-to-object marriage, Sevier was left defeated.

The love that Sevier felt for the Macbook was strong though, so through the trials and tribulations, Sevier would fight until he was sure that he did everything he could to marry the Macbook of his dreams.

Sevier—who is surprisingly easy on the eyes—probably wouldn’t have had a hard time finding a real partner, but he said he prefers to have sex with his computer, “Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women,” he mentioned to a Florida court while begging his case.

At the time, another sexual minority, same-sex marriage, was at the brink of being legalized, and several states had already acknowledged it. This was great and all, but it also meant that other sexual minorities would start to use same-sex marriage as a reason to marry whatever they wanted.

The logic goes that it shouldn’t be lawful to discriminate against one sexual minority and not the other, at least that was the logic of Sevier as he brought forth his case to the Florida court.

In respect to gay marriage, Sevier told Fox 17 News that if gays can legally “marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object”.

Sevier even decided to head on over to Utah to file a 50-page claim as to why he should be legally allowed to marry his Macbook.

“As a patriot with standing, I am asking the Federal Courts to ‘put up or shut up’ about expanding the equal protection and due process clause to include sexual orientation as a class,” Sevier mentioned in his claim.

Along with Sevier’s arguments pleading the equal protection and due process clause, he argued that his marriage with the machine would have no difference on the fertility rate than it would with same sex marriage, “Allowing my marriage to go forward will not adversely impact the fertility rate any more or less than a same sex couple.”

Sevier also mentioned that his man-to-machine marriage was equally as unconventional for traditional marriage as same-sex marriage.

Thus far, all of Sevier’s attempts at swaying the Florida and Utah courts in his favor were shot down, so he tried to get empathy by stating, “the exclusion from marriage to a machine denies myself a dignity and status of immense import.”

This probably was true, but the courts still weren’t buying it.

Then he finally brought forth a couple other cases where the sexual minority that he fell into was justly represented. One woman married a dolphin, and a Chinese man married a cardboard cut out of himself—and we don’t foresee that those married couples had any issues that led to divorce.

A little over a year since Sevier’s relentless attempts, the Supreme Court deemed the ban of same-sex marriage unconstitutional, and it became legalized throughout the United States.

Seeing that this was a pretty liberal decision, Sevier’s hope might be restored. We bet he will either go for round-two in an attempt to marry his Macbook, move to China and marry his Macbook there, or settle for marrying a human instead.