The neighbors all heard it: a tiny, plaintive mew of a cat crying. Ears to the ground, eyes to the street drain, an urgent question: what can we do? Guys, this is it:
THE MOST EPIC. CAT RESCUE. EVER.
THE VICTIM | Enter Scaredy Cat
To truly understand this EPIC PLIGHT, we really need to start at the start.
Specifically, Scaredy Cats.
Cats aren’t known for their prowess in psychologically tough situations. It’s not their fault – they love patterns. Just look at them when you do typewriter fingers where you go back and forth on the ground in front of them. It soothes them. Pull the old “change the ribbon” and move your fingers and BAM! That cat goes haywire. They can’t handle the unexpected. Which, if you think like I do, and I think you do, means they’d be terrible houseguests on Big Brother.
So to have a cat in this situation, you know that cat’s on edge and about to crack like it’s on CSI: Feline two minutes before the end of the episode. This cat never expected to spend its day in a drain! No wonder it’s wailing! Wailing is the cat equivalent of awkwardly yelling at anyone within earshot its current troubles plus its entire backstory. We all know this cat. I know you know this cat. I know I know this cat: I’ve met this cat in several supermarkets where I was like, whoa, cat, and the cat’s all, “…Then I moved from San Luis Obispo in 1983 to learn taxidermy, trumpet–AND I NEED KNEE SURGERY!”
SCENE OF THE CRIME | AKA We All Float Down Here
If you’ve ever seen a movie, you know a street drain ain’ nothin’ to mess with. It’s the home of killer evil clowns
the toxic ooze that can change turtles to ninjas:
It’s even been known to make rats crave pizza by the slice.
To be caught in this arena would be terrifying to anyone, let alone to a cat.
THE PROBLEM | Human + Drain = BAHHH Useless Stupid Human Hands!
Be honest. Raise your hand if a drain has ever gotten the better of you. An earring – GONE! A ring – GONE! That thing you said you’d never lose because you learned your lesson the first time about the jewelry you once had and were gonna put the stopper in this – DOH! Drains are exactly what they are named after: they suck out our possessions slowly over time, and there’s no stopping them until humans evolve digits that are part snake, part pipe cleaner.
THE EPIC RESCUE | Firefighter to Drain: I Got This
This guy not only heard this near ghost cat FLIPPIN OUT, BENEATH THE STREET, but then figured out how to crack that drain and get that little guy outta there. Was there more than one firefighter? YOU BET. Did you see?
HE IS UP AGAINST A DRAIN, PEOPLE! WITHOUT THE COMFORT AND SAFETY OF SNAKE PIPE HANDS.
THE LESSON | We Should All Move to Delaware
I don’t know about you, but this story is making me really consider moving to Delaware. It’s a little state, true, but that EPIC CAT RESCUE. Delaware is BOSS with takin’ care of business, chemicals exported to Belgium, and cats in drains.
Small wonder, indeed.
Oh yeah, if you want to see the whole thing, click here. BUT BE WARNED: IT IS THE STUFF OF LEGENDS! #epic #cat #save #rescue #snakepipehands #typewriterfingers #love #smileybridge
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