Elon Musk, billionaire head of Space-X and co-founder of PayPal, is making headlines again. As stated in his thrilling 2011 announcement, he believes a human will be on Mars within 10 to 20 years. Now, in a startling proposal, that human could be Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump?
Musk addressed Republican frontrunner and Super Tuesday winner Donald Trump with an intriguing scenario: would Trump let Musk send him to Mars? And, to sweeten the deal: if the Donald says yes, Musk has offered to make him the President of the new colony, and essentially the president of the planet.
“Everybody who knows me knows I think big picture. Talk to me about a red state, and my response to you will be about a Red Planet,” said Trump in a press conference earlier today addressing the offer.
Would he consider the ticket to Mars in exchange for a presidency far, far away?
Trump smiled, responding, “I’ll consider it. But there’d better be a gold-plated shuttle or no deal.”
Some wondered whether Trump would miss anything on this planet. Trump addressed the subject, giving reporters a so-called “Trump 10” list of the 10 fast foods he would miss the most if he left the third planet.
“Not Taco Bell!” Trump clarified, trumpeting, “I don’t go south of the border for anything! I don’t care how good your “burrito” is—if it’s American-made on American soil, it better have an American name.”
Trump then urged supporters to refer to burritos as “sloppy rolled joe’s” and to make chalupas at home, using Corn Flakes.
“There’s an American dream come true, Corn Flakes,” he added. “They said Kellogg was crazy, that he had a wild idea about health food. Then he rolled some corn flat, they took a turn and ended up moldy, he still threw it in a box, sold it to people, made a fortune. Who’s laughing now? Huh? I’ll tell you who: the guy who threw a big c*ck on the box.”
Meanwhile, Musk, a space travel fan and Star Wars geek (evidenced by his penchant for naming spacecraft after the Millennium Falcon) has moved his technology past the beginning stages of shuttle payloads (the Falcon 1, the Falcon 2) and into new territory: the Falcon Heavy. It’s three rockets make it capable of carrying heavier payloads, making further exploration possible. The Falcon Heavy has been proposed as the vehicle of choice for the Republican forerunner, based on his staff of 12, Melania, and a gold-plated desk that the Donald claims is for luck and “what I would have brought to the White House, if elected.”
Musk describes himself as “nauseatingly American.”
He says that U.S.A. is “[inarguably] the greatest country that has ever existed on Earth”, and that is why earlier this week, at the announcement, he claimed “USA-X” (his proposed name for the Space Colony on Mars) would be “the greatest country that has ever existed in the known universe.”
Likewise, he said that the mission would be “the greatest force for good of any country that’s ever going to have been.”
Musk has even reportedly tried to offer sports cars to Trump in a bid to persuade him to take up the billionaire’s proposal. If you ever wanted to ride in a Tesla with the top down, you should try Trump’s new car: the XT-Top, a convertible, sporty yellow Tesla. Unfortunately, when the speedster arrived at the home of the billionaire Republican, the Tesla delivery men were unable to get the top to stay latched—the yellow roof stubbornly kept retracting, to the chagrin of the men.
Said a bystander, watching the curious Tesla:
“We see it going down. It’s going down all on its own, and no amount of pulling or tugging or begging is going to keep that roof up. It’s not like we don’t see it. We’re humans. We’re all thinking it.”
Will we be saluting a Martian President Trump soon? Time, and an election, will tell.
This article is satirical in nature and should not be confused with actual news reporting.